Yeah, so, I’m putzing around on the internet this morning. The kids are getting ready for school, I’ve made their lunches and fed them, the day is progressing like any other. I’m surfing Blog Mad for double credits. Checking e-mail. You know. The usual.
I decide that it would be a good idea to send a friend a link to a rather nasty video of something unmentionable. I had seen it on another friend’s site and the image of it is burned into my brain for all eternity. Seriously. There are moments when I’m tired, or someone says the word “horse” or “butt” or “butt sex with a horse” or something along those lines and the video begins to play in my head all on its own, and no amount of booze or drugs is going to get it out of there. If they ever invent some way of pinpointing a memory in your brain and erasing it, I’m going to take full advantage of that service.
So, I go to my friend’s site and find the link. Keep in mind, as I’m doing this, my kids are about 10 feet away from me, putting on their shoes, their coats, their hats and gloves, gathering the schoolbooks, etc. I’m thinking to myself, I’m going to open this link in a new tab, copy the url, and close it down quick. They’ll never know, and I won’t even have to see it again. Because it’ll take a while for the video to download, right? Sure!
Then, all of a sudden, everything goes fucking haywire. Firefox windows start popping up all over my screen! All containing gross images of, well, I’ve completely blocked it out of my head but it was pretty nasty. And out of my speakers comes hollering a man’s voice, gleefully exclaiming:
Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno! Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!
Over and over again, as the windows keep popping up and I’m clicking like crazy, actually for a moment thinking that I’m going to be able to keep up with them by closing them down, but to no avail, so as my children migrate slowly towards my chair (“What’s that all about, Mom?), I close the lid of my laptop but I can still hear it going on and I’m thinking
Oh, my god. I’m going to have to go to the Geek Squad to get this fixed, and my laptop is going to be singing “Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!”
So I lift the lid again, just a little, just enough to stick my finger inside and hold down the power button and turn the whole goddamn thing off, half worried that it wasn’t going to work and my laptop would forever be singing “Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!”
But it worked, thank the stars.
Then of course I worried that when I turned it back on, it would still be happening. But it didn’t. The sing-song of “Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!” was gone, and all is back to normal.
So now, I need to send my friend an e-mail and let her know about it. Or do I? Because as long as it doesn’t infect the computer with anything, it is kind of funny to picture some kid sitting in Starbucks perusing the internet and coming across that link and clicking on it, no? No. I do need to let her know. I’ll leave it up to her whether or not to leave it up.
The lesson for today, folks: Don’t try to sneakily get the url for a gay porn video so you can send it to a friend. Because you might get outed.