The view from Snack Jack's

Hey Everybody! I’m looking at Gay Porno!

Yeah, so, I’m putzing around on the internet this morning. The kids are getting ready for school, I’ve made their lunches and fed them, the day is progressing like any other. I’m surfing Blog Mad for double credits. Checking e-mail. You know. The usual.

I decide that it would be a good idea to send a friend a link to a rather nasty video of something unmentionable. I had seen it on another friend’s site and the image of it is burned into my brain for all eternity. Seriously. There are moments when I’m tired, or someone says the word “horse” or “butt” or “butt sex with a horse” or something along those lines and the video begins to play in my head all on its own, and no amount of booze or drugs is going to get it out of there. If they ever invent some way of pinpointing a memory in your brain and erasing it, I’m going to take full advantage of that service.

So, I go to my friend’s site and find the link. Keep in mind, as I’m doing this, my kids are about 10 feet away from me, putting on their shoes, their coats, their hats and gloves, gathering the schoolbooks, etc. I’m thinking to myself, I’m going to open this link in a new tab, copy the url, and close it down quick. They’ll never know, and I won’t even have to see it again. Because it’ll take a while for the video to download, right? Sure!

Then, all of a sudden, everything goes fucking haywire. Firefox windows start popping up all over my screen! All containing gross images of, well, I’ve completely blocked it out of my head but it was pretty nasty. And out of my speakers comes hollering a man’s voice, gleefully exclaiming:

Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno! Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!

Over and over again, as the windows keep popping up and I’m clicking like crazy, actually for a moment thinking that I’m going to be able to keep up with them by closing them down, but to no avail, so as my children migrate slowly towards my chair (“What’s that all about, Mom?), I close the lid of my laptop but I can still hear it going on and I’m thinking

Oh, my god. I’m going to have to go to the Geek Squad to get this fixed, and my laptop is going to be singing “Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!”

So I lift the lid again, just a little, just enough to stick my finger inside and hold down the power button and turn the whole goddamn thing off, half worried that it wasn’t going to work and my laptop would forever be singing “Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!”

But it worked, thank the stars.

Then of course I worried that when I turned it back on, it would still be happening. But it didn’t. The sing-song of “Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!” was gone, and all is back to normal.

So now, I need to send my friend an e-mail and let her know about it. Or do I? Because as long as it doesn’t infect the computer with anything, it is kind of funny to picture some kid sitting in Starbucks perusing the internet and coming across that link and clicking on it, no? No. I do need to let her know. I’ll leave it up to her whether or not to leave it up.

The lesson for today, folks: Don’t try to sneakily get the url for a gay porn video so you can send it to a friend. Because you might get outed.

Comments (27)

  1. Somebody's Son March 21, 2006 at 10:43 am

    I don’t feel bad for you. Who looks at gay porn? Why do you have to be that guy Viki?

  2. viki March 21, 2006 at 10:46 am

    You were the person I was going to send the link to! Ha ha ha ha rofl lol pip! (That’s a secret language that me and Somebody’s Son converse in. Nobody else knows what it means).

    I’m NOT THAT GUY. I DID NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THE GAY PORN! The first time I watched it, I was misled, and I thought it was going to be about horses. HONEST! Pretty horses! Okay, pretty horse cocks. What’s the difference?

  3. Queen of Ass March 21, 2006 at 11:29 am

    You were totally outted to your KIDS? Wow.

    So what was the link, again?

    (PS – I’ll have your templates back to you tomorrow. Gotta finish homework today.)

  4. Somebody's Son March 21, 2006 at 11:48 am

    I don’t know what pip means…you are out of your damn mind. I am out of my damn mind to. We should have a drinking party and find our minds…or at least drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore. That’s my idea anyways.

  5. Duke of Earle March 21, 2006 at 12:06 pm

    Why, instead of the “babbling” picture with the open red mouth that I liked so much, do I now find a couple of lady bugs engaged in… well, “mating”? Is that the gay porn you referred to?

    Oh, and that’s the trouble with laptops — you pull the plug and they just keep on going!

  6. Erin MJ March 21, 2006 at 1:35 pm

    Lol, funny story! I was surfing through Blogmad, and when I saw the title of your post I was like “Oh great, one of THESE kinds of blogs…” But then I started reading the post and realized how funny it was. ;)

  7. viki March 21, 2006 at 2:25 pm

    Thanks, Erin. I am definitely not one of THOSE kinds of blogs.

    No, really. I’m not.

  8. Blogofshit March 21, 2006 at 2:31 pm

    I always new you were really a lesbian with a beastiality fetish.

    Please send me the video. thks

  9. viki March 21, 2006 at 2:32 pm

    hahaha blogofshit. I can’t send you the video, because when I try to click on the link, my computer is taken over by a man yelling “Hey everybody! I’m looking at gay porno!” Didn’t you read the post?

    And besides, I cannot corrupt another mind with it. It was disgusting. Forever burned in my mind. Thinking about it makes me literally throw up.

  10. Pingback: halcyonBLOG » Blog Archive » Blogmad

  11. Somebody's Son March 21, 2006 at 4:36 pm

    It’s not near as sweet as my porn.

  12. Z.Z. Bachman March 21, 2006 at 7:10 pm

    Viki… I really like the new look to your site !!
    Great looking template…. Hope you are liking WordPress…

    I will resend your OpenRing links…
    ZZ

    ————————————————————–
    ZZ Bachman / ZardozZ News & Satire Portal
    Have a Blog? Ring Surf it @ ZZ OpenRing

  13. Skittles March 22, 2006 at 12:24 am

    That is pretty funny. I can laugh becuase I have had it happen to me. LOL Well not with gay porn but with windows just opening and opening… ROFL.

  14. lake allison March 22, 2006 at 1:09 pm

    hehehe
    At least it didn’t say, “Hey everyone! I’m looking at horse cock!”

  15. Viki March 23, 2006 at 8:59 am

    I don’t know if this trackback guy, halcyonBLOG, is saying I’m brilliant or that I’m a weirdo. But I think that’s my first trackback ever and I’m all atwitter about it.

  16. Beth April 3, 2006 at 9:27 pm

    lol, sadly enough, I want that link. If only to send to all my loved ones and make them uncomfortable about what I’m doing in college

  17. Tony April 10, 2006 at 8:09 am

    Haha… serves you right, Viki. I am only gloating about your misadventure because something similar happened to me and in front of my 10 year old son (yikes!). I won’t go into it here but thank you for sharing yours.

  18. unbreakable April 21, 2006 at 4:42 pm

    Oh this is goooood story to post for the
    FireFox Fanatics to see! lol
    They keep claiming that FF is so secure bla bla bla…

    if it wasnt so XXX I would have posted it….

  19. viki April 21, 2006 at 6:30 pm

    True, true, unbreakable. I use firefox and was completely taken over. I do still get some popups, though not as many as I did/do with IE. That seems to be changing a bit. I’ve been trying out the beta of IE whatever the next number is, only it keeps crashing, so I can’t tell if it works or not.

  20. username! March 5, 2007 at 6:14 pm

    did that site happen to be halflife2.zoy.org?

  21. Viki May 14, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    Um, okay. Thanks.

  22. MrHax July 26, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Im Thinking The Url was http://orly.on.nimp.org
    Yeah I Pull That Prank on all My Mates

  23. Well... September 4, 2010 at 9:24 am

    I hope I don’t end up becoming all gay and politically correct and generally lame, like you guys, when I’m older.

  24. Viki September 20, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    You’re screwed, FYI. Nothing to look forward to but being gay, politically correct, and lame.

    Also, what are you, twelve? Why aren’t your parents monitoring your internet usage?

  25. Viki's Lover September 28, 2010 at 7:57 am

    well i too have seen that link and it is also burned in my head but it’s not nearly as bad as goatsie!!!!!

Leave a Reply